Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
