So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
