My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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