Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
