My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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