I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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