i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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