thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
