Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
