My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
