literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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