My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
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Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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