Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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