Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
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did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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