I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
