your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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