I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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