Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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