she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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