mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
