Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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