When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
