Pants 0. Shit 1.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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