You can't special order awesome
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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