Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
