Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
