When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
