I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
