hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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