I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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