I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
