I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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