Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
