Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
