i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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