my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
