Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
