Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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