Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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