I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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