i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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