that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
