I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
