Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
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Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
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Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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