my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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