I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You ruined the universe
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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