i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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