You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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