his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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