smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I had to cum in my sink.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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