I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
