I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
