Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
