The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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