Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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