I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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