I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
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Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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