i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
