my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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