he puts the penis in happiness.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
